Confessions of a Reformed Plant Killer (and Why You Should Totally Join the Club)

Confessions of a Reformed Plant Killer (And Why You Should Totally Join the Club)

From Black Thumb to Proud Plant Parent

Let’s be honest, folks. My thumbs have never been known for their verdant touch. In fact, I’m pretty sure I could kill a cactus in a desert. Okay, maybe not that bad, but you get the picture. Succulents wilted under my watch, spider plants surrendered their last legs, and don’t even get me started on that poor, innocent peace lily. Let’s just say it wasn’t very peaceful.

So, imagine my surprise when, in the midst of a global pandemic and fueled by endless sourdough bread baking, I found myself inexplicably drawn to the plant section of the grocery store. Fast forward two years, and my apartment looks like a greenhouse exploded (in the best way possible, of course). Turns out, plant parenthood is kind of amazing. Who knew?

1. Plants Are the Chillest Roommates Ever (Except for That One Drama Queen Fern)

Forget noisy roommates who steal your food and leave dirty dishes in the sink. Plants are the epitome of low-maintenance living. They don’t care if you blast your 90s playlist at 2 am, they’ll never borrow your clothes without asking, and they’ll happily accept whatever scraps of sunlight your apartment offers.

Sure, they might need a little water and the occasional pep talk (don’t judge, it works!), but trust me, their demands are far less demanding than even the most well-behaved cat or dog. Plus, they’ll never judge your questionable decorating choices. Except maybe that one dramatic fern I have. She’s a bit of a diva.

2. Who Needs Therapy When You Can Talk to Your Plants? (They’re Great Listeners, I Swear)

I know, I know, it sounds crazy. But hear me out. There’s something incredibly therapeutic about tending to your plants. It’s like a form of meditation, only instead of chanting “om,” you’re whispering sweet nothings to your monstera and admiring its new leaf.

And the best part? Plants give the BEST advice. They just sit there, looking all wise and leafy, never interrupting or offering unsolicited opinions. They’re basically the silent, green therapists we all need in our lives.

3. Prepare for the Ultimate Bragging Rights (And Maybe a Little Green Envy)

Remember that feeling of accomplishment when you successfully assembled Ikea furniture without resorting to duct tape and prayers? That’s how you’ll feel every time your plant sprouts a new leaf, blooms a vibrant flower, or generally thrives under your care.

Trust me, plant parenthood comes with serious bragging rights. Suddenly, you’ll find yourself snapping pictures of your leafy companions like a proud pet owner and subtly (or not so subtly) showcasing your green babies during Zoom calls. Be warned: you might also inspire a touch of envy among your less-green-thumbed friends.

So, Are You Ready to Become a Plant Parent?

Look, I get it. The thought of keeping another living thing alive can be intimidating, especially if you’ve got a history with plants like mine. But trust me, the rewards far outweigh the risks. Plus, with a little patience, a dash of love, and maybe a plant app or two, you, too, can experience the unexpected joys of being a plant parent. You might even surprise yourself.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I hear my fiddle leaf fig calling. Something about needing a pep talk and a Taylor Swift song…