We’ve all been there. You’re sprawled on the couch, three episodes deep into a reality TV marathon, when you catch a glimpse of something out of the corner of your eye. No, it isn’t the shame gremlin reminding you about that unfinished to-do list (though he’s probably lurking nearby). It’s your plant. And it’s looking at you with a mixture of pity and disdain that would make even your grandma proud.
The Side-Eye Heard ‘Round the Living Room
My own journey into the secret world of plant judgment began innocently enough. I, like many others during the dark days of 2020, decided to become a Plant Parent™. I envisioned a peaceful oasis filled with thriving greenery, a testament to my nurturing spirit and excellent taste in ceramic pots.
Fast forward through several months and a concerning number of Google searches like “Why are my plant’s leaves turning brown?” and “Is overwatering a thing?” and my once-perky peace lily, Phil, was… not thriving. He looked less like a symbol of growth and more like he was about to audition for a horror movie role as “Depressed Houseplant #4.”
That’s when I saw it. As I bemoaned my fate, Phil’s remaining leaves seemed to… shift. It was subtle, but I swear he was giving me the side-eye. A slow, deliberate tilt of his pot towards me that screamed, “You call this watering schedule ‘consistent’? Amateur.”
Plants: Silent Judges of Our Life Choices?
From that moment on, I couldn’t unsee it. Every time I reached for the takeout menu instead of cooking a nutritious meal, Phil’s leaves seemed to droop a little lower. When I spent an entire Saturday binge-watching true crime documentaries instead of, you know, being a productive member of society, I could practically hear him sigh in exasperation.
And it wasn’t just Phil. My previously innocuous succulent collection began to resemble a jury of my peers, their spiky exteriors radiating silent judgment with each questionable decision I made.
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