The Unspoken Rules of Being a Plant Parent

My Descent into Plant Parenthood (and Chaos)

It all started innocently enough. A cute little succulent on clearance at the grocery store. “Easy to care for,” the tag promised. I, armed with the unyielding confidence of someone who had never successfully kept a houseplant alive for more than a month, believed it. Oh, sweet summer child, how naive I was.

Fast forward to today, and my apartment looks like a jungle that threw up. I’ve got plants trailing from shelves, sprawling across windowsills, and even one that’s attempting a hostile takeover of my shower. I’ve become, dare I say it, a “plant parent.” And with this prestigious title comes a whole set of unspoken rules that I’m pretty sure we all secretly follow.

The Art of Plant Whispering (and Other Delusions)

Rule number one: you must talk to your plants. I don’t make the rules, folks. It’s just something we do. Whether it’s a gentle pep talk to a struggling seedling or a full-blown therapy session with your prize-winning fiddle leaf fig, communication is key (or so we tell ourselves).

Of course, this comes with its own set of sub-rules:

• Always compliment their growth, even if it’s just one pathetic new leaf that looks suspiciously pale.
• Apologize profusely when you accidentally overwater them (again).
• And never, ever speak ill of another plant parent’s green babies, no matter how much their monstera is hogging the sunlight.

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