We’ve all seen them—those infuriatingly chipper morning people who practically bounce out of bed, chirping about sunshine and productivity. I’m not one of them. I’m a card-carrying member of the Night Owls Association, where the motto is “I’ll sleep when I’m dead” (which, ironically, might be sooner than later if I keep up my nocturnal habits).
But recently, seduced by promises of increased productivity, boundless energy, and maybe even the ability to make a decent breakfast for once, I decided to embark on a noble and possibly foolish quest: become a morning person.
The Great Alarm Clock Standoff of 2023
My first mistake, I now realize, was going all-in on day one. I set my alarm for 5:00 AM, a full three hours earlier than my usual wake-up time. I even downloaded one of those apps that makes you solve math problems to turn it off. (Let me tell you, nothing screams “I hate the world” like long division at the crack of dawn.)
The internet, in all its infinite wisdom, assured me that the key to becoming a morning person was establishing a positive morning routine. So, naturally, I signed up for a 6:00 AM yoga class.
Now, I’m not sure what I expected. Maybe some graceful stretching as the sun gently peeked over the horizon, bathing me in its golden rays. What I got was a dimly lit studio full of terrifyingly alert individuals who looked like they’d already run a marathon and filed their taxes before I even managed to get dressed.
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