Why I’m Convinced My Houseplant is Judging My Life Choices



We all have our quirks. Some of us talk to our pets (don’t judge!), others burst into song at the most inopportune times. Me? I swear my houseplant is judging me.

The Side-Eye From a Spider Plant: A Plant Parent’s Journey

It all started innocently enough. I, like many during the dark days of 2020, decided to become a plant parent. I envisioned a lush oasis, a testament to my nurturing abilities. What I got was Horace the Spider Plant, a creature of apparent habit and, dare I say, opinions.

Horace took to his new home quickly enough, sprouting new growth with gusto. But then, a shift. I was having a particularly rough week – deadlines looming, love life nonexistent, questionable pizza choices – and I noticed Horace seemed…droopy. Not just regular “I need water” droopy, but a full-on “I am deeply disappointed in the life choices you’ve made” droop.

At first, I laughed it off. Plants can’t judge…right?

The Curious Case of the Coincidental Wilt: A Pattern Emerges

But then the coincidences (or were they?) began. A disastrous online date? Horace’s leaves practically curled in on themselves. A particularly triumphant work presentation? The plant practically did a victory dance, new growth unfurling like confetti.

My friends, initially amused, now fuel the fire.

  • “Did you water Horace with your tears after that text from Dave?”
  • “Wow, Horace is THRIVING. You must have finally folded that laundry pile.”

I mean, they’re not wrong. The evidence is compelling.

My Houseplant Stages an Intervention: The Final Straw

The peak (or should I say, the wilting point) came during a particularly epic procrastination session. I was supposed to be finishing an important project, but instead, I found myself four hours deep into a reality TV marathon, fueled by leftover birthday cake.

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