The Pre-Dawn Pact (and My Utter Betrayal)
Let me set the scene: 6:00 AM, birds chirping obnoxiously outside my window, and sunlight daring to touch my eyelids. Now, you might be thinking, “What a lovely morning!” But to me, this felt like a personal attack. You see, I am not, nor have I ever been, a morning person. I’m more of a “wake up when it’s socially acceptable to eat pizza” kind of gal.
But, like many misguided souls before me, I fell prey to the siren song of productivity gurus and their promises of unlocking the secrets of the universe before breakfast. “Just wake up an hour earlier,” they chirped (much like the aforementioned annoying birds), “and you’ll conquer your to-do list, write a novel, and maybe even invent a self-making bed!”
My first mistake? Thinking I could just “ease into it.” I set my alarm for 7:00 AM, a full hour earlier than usual. Let me tell you, that extra hour of sleep I sacrificed did not magically transform me into a ray of sunshine. Instead, I stumbled around my apartment like a zombie extra from “The Walking Dead,” bumping into furniture and grumbling at the toaster.
My attempts at a morning routine were equally disastrous. My “meditative yoga session” consisted of me falling asleep on my yoga mat, and my “healthy green smoothie” tasted suspiciously like lawn clippings (apparently, spinach and kale aren’t meant to be friends).
The Caffeine Catastrophe (Or, How I Became a Human Espresso Machine)
Desperate times call for desperate measures, or in my case, copious amounts of caffeine. I figured if I couldn’t join the land of the morning people naturally, I’d force myself there with the help of my trusty coffee maker.
This, my friends, was my undoing. See, my usual coffee intake is one cup, maybe two on a particularly rough Monday. But in my sleep-deprived state, I managed to down three cups before realizing I was practically vibrating out of my skin.