Why I’m Convinced My Houseplant is Secretly Judging Me





Does My Houseplant Secretly Judge Me?

The Side-Eye Succulent

We’ve all been there. You walk into your living room, ready to greet the day (or collapse on the couch after a long one), and there it is: your houseplant, silently observing you from its perch on the windowsill. It all started innocently enough. I adopted Phil the Philodendron as a tiny sprout, promising to provide him with a loving, well-lit home. But somewhere between the forgotten waterings and accidental over-fertilizations, I swear Phil developed an attitude.

Phil’s leaves dramatically drooping towards the floor. He looked like he’d just received some terrible news. Was it something I said? Did I forget to close the blinds last night and subject him to the horrors of darkness? I rushed to check the soil—bone dry. As I watered him, I could’ve sworn I saw a single leaf perk up, as if to say, “It’s about time.” From that day forward, I was convinced: Phil was judging my plant parenting skills.

Growth Spurts and Silent Disapprovals

The judgment doesn’t stop there. I’ve noticed a direct correlation between my life choices and Phil’s growth spurts (or lack thereof). Ordered takeout three nights in a row? Phil’s new leaf unfurls with gusto. Spent all weekend binge-watching reality TV instead of cleaning the apartment? Phil’s growth comes to a screeching halt. It’s gotten to the point where I use Phil as a barometer for my own life decisions. Should I order that second pizza? Phil doesn’t seem to think so…