Posted in Personal Essay

Is My Houseplant Judging Me? (A Deep Dive into the Mind of a Monstera)

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Is My Houseplant Judging Me? (A Deep Dive into the Mind of a Monstera)

The Side-Eye Heard ‘Round the Living Room

Let’s be honest, folks, we’ve all been there. You’re sprawled on the couch, three episodes deep into a reality TV marathon, when you catch it—a flash of judgment from the corner of the room. You turn slowly, heart pounding, only to lock eyes with…your seemingly innocent Monstera Deliciosa.

Okay, maybe “lock eyes” is a stretch, but you get the point. It’s that feeling, man. That feeling that your plant, the one you painstakingly water and fertilize and sing questionable 80s pop songs to, is silently critiquing your entire existence. And let me tell you, my Monstera, Delilah, is the Queen of the Side-Eye.

Monstera” with the frantic energy of a parent calling 9-1-1 over a stubbed toe. Turns out, the issue wasn’t lack of water, but a build-up of salts in the soil. Salts often found in…you guessed it…takeout food. Delilah, my friends, was staging a silent protest against my less-than-nutritious dietary choices.

Exhibit B: The Great Unfurling Incident

Now, for those not well-versed in the world of plant parenthood, the unfurling of a new Monstera leaf is a sacred event. It’s like the plant equivalent of your kid losing their first tooth or graduating from kindergarten (but with less glitter and tears, thankfully).

So, imagine my surprise when Delilah chose to bless the world with a brand-new, gloriously-perforated leaf right after I had finished Marie Kondo-ing my apartment. Coincidence? I think not. This plant waited until my living space was a testament to minimalist zen before gracing me with her leafy offspring. I’m telling you, she’s got impeccable timing and questionable motives.

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