The Time My Fiddle Leaf Fig Almost Staged an Intervention
We’ve all been there. You know, that moment when you catch your reflection in the microwave and realize you’ve been wearing the same sweatpants for three days straight. But imagine that feeling amplified tenfold because the judgmental stare isn’t coming from your reflection—it’s coming from your plant.
Okay, maybe “judgmental stare” is a bit dramatic. But I swear, my fiddle leaf fig, Ferdinand, has this way of wilting ever-so-slightly whenever I’m engaging in particularly questionable life choices. We’re talking instant ramen for dinner three nights in a row, neglecting laundry day for an entire week, the whole nine yards.
As I reached for my wallet, I swear I saw Ferdinand’s leaves quiver. I paused, rationalizing that a croissant wasn’t that bad of a dinner choice. But then, as I opened the door to leave, a single leaf dramatically detached itself from Ferdinand’s stem and landed with a soft thump on the floor.
Coincidence? I think not. Needless to say, I ate a sensible salad that night. (Okay, fine, it was a salad with a side of fries, but still. Baby steps, people.)
Signs Your Houseplant Might Be Judging You
Ferdinand’s repertoire of judgment extends far beyond strategic wilting. Oh no, my friend, this plant has mastered the art of passive aggression. Some of his most notable offenses include:
- The Silent Treatment: After a particularly egregious display of poor life choices (like the time I binge-watched reality TV instead of doing laundry), Ferdinand will refuse to “perk up” for days, no matter how much I water or sing to him.
- The Shady Lean: I swear he leans slightly away from the TV whenever I indulge in my guilty pleasure reality shows. It’s like he’s physically distancing himself from my terrible taste in entertainment.
- The New Growth Guilt Trip: Just when I’m about to resign myself to a life of takeout and sweatpants, Ferdinand will surprise me with a brand new leaf, as if to say, “See? I believe in you. Now get your act together.”