Let’s be real, folks. Becoming a plant parent is a slippery slope. It starts innocently enough. You buy a cute little succulent because, hey, how hard can it be to keep a cactus alive, right? Famous last words. One day you’re carefully watering your single succulent, and the next, you’re elbow-deep in potting mix, muttering about humidity levels and the benefits of banana peels to a monstera deliciosa named Phil. Don’t judge. We’ve all been there.

And while the plant-obsessed life is fulfilling (who needs therapy when you can propagate a pothos?), there’s a whole set of unspoken rules that nobody tells you about. Until now, that is. Consider this your official guide to navigating the wonderful, wild, and slightly weird world of plant parenthood.

Rule #1: Thou Shalt Not Speak of the Fallen

We all have a past. A past that may or may not involve a few (dozen) plant casualties. Maybe you overwatered a peace lily with the best of intentions. Or perhaps you accidentally roasted a jade plant in the midday sun (RIP, little buddy). Whatever the case, the first rule of plant parenthood is simple: never speak of the fallen.

Why? Because it’s traumatic, okay? And besides, our plant babies don’t need to know about our past transgressions. They just need to bask in the glory of our newfound plant-whispering abilities (even if it’s mostly Google and a whole lot of hope).

Rule #2: Every Surface Becomes a Potential Plant Stand

Remember that cute little side table you used to have? The one that held your coffee mug and a good book? Well, kiss it goodbye. Because once the plant obsession takes hold, every horizontal surface in your home magically transforms into a potential plant stand.

Windowsills? Prime real estate for sunbathers. Bookshelves? Instant jungle vibes. The top of the refrigerator? Don’t even get me started on the possibilities! The point is, embrace the chaos. Because in the world of a plant parent, there’s no such thing as too many plants – just not enough space.

Rule #3: Talking to Your Plants is Not Crazy, It’s Encouraged

Sure, you might get some strange looks from your non-planty friends. But trust me, the moment you start whispering sweet nothings to your leafy companions is a rite of passage. Whether it’s a pep talk (“You got this, little fern!”) or a heartfelt apology (“I’m so sorry I forgot to water you for a week”), talking to your plants is perfectly acceptable behavior.

Plus, there’s some actual science behind it! Plants, being the amazing beings they are, can actually sense vibrations. So go ahead, belt out your best rendition of “Sunshine of Your Love” to your succulents. They might not understand the lyrics, but they’ll appreciate the good vibes (and maybe even reward you with a new leaf or two!).

So, Are You Ready to Become a Plant Parent?

The world of plant parenthood is a wild and wonderful place, full of laughter, learning, and maybe a few tears along the way (mostly happy tears, when your stubborn prayer plant finally unfurls a new leaf!). Just remember these unspoken rules, and you’ll be well on your way to creating your own personal green oasis.