The 5:00 AM Alarm Clock From Hell
Let me preface this tale of woe by saying that I am not, nor have I ever been, a morning person. I’m more of a “stay up until 2:00 AM writing bad poetry by the light of my refrigerator” kind of gal. But, like many humans before me, I fell prey to the siren song of productivity gurus and their promises of a life-changing morning routine.
So, armed with a brand-new alarm clock (that practically needed a hazmat suit to turn off), I embarked on my journey to conquer the sunrise. Spoiler alert: the sunrise won.
My attempts at mastering the art of coffee-making were nothing short of disastrous. I’m talking grounds in places grounds shouldn’t be, a near-miss with a boiling kettle, and enough caffeine to fuel a small rocket launch (which, considering my sleep deprivation, felt terrifyingly possible).
The Exercise Exorcism (Spoiler: The Demons Won)
Next on the agenda of self-improvement: morning exercise. Now, I’m not opposed to exercise in theory. It’s just that the thought of moving anything other than my eyelids before 10:00 AM sent shivers down my spine.
My first (and last) attempt at a 6:00 AM jog involved me tripping over my own feet, almost getting run over by a very confused milkman, and returning home looking like I’d just run a marathon through a carwash. Suffice it to say, my relationship with morning exercise was short-lived.