We’ve all been there. The fluorescent lights are buzzing, the air is thick with the scent of industrial cleaner and something unidentifiable, and you’re praying you can escape without making eye contact with anyone. I’m talking, of course, about the dreaded public restroom.
My Introduction to Restroom Roulette
My own personal journey into the abyss began at a highway rest stop—you know the kind, where the coffee tastes like despair and the hand dryers could sandblast your skin off. I was innocently minding my own business, enjoying the relative quiet of a stall far, far away from civilization (or at least the rest stop vending machines). Suddenly, the woman in the next stall lets out a sound that can only be described as a distressed walrus gargling with nails.
After what felt like an eternity, the noises subsided, and I was able to flee back to the relative safety of my car. But the experience left me shaken. What are the rules of engagement in these porcelain battlegrounds?
The Perils of a Chatty Cathy
As if to answer my question, the universe decided to throw me another curveball. This time, it came in the form of a particularly chatty woman at a movie theater restroom. I was washing my hands, trying to avoid touching any surface more than absolutely necessary, when she sidled up to me.
“So,” she began, her voice dripping with forced cheer, “how about that line for the popcorn? Can you believe they only had one person working the register?”
I froze. Was she… talking to me? In a public restroom? While I was actively trying to wash my hands and avoid making eye contact with the strange substance on the counter?
I managed a weak smile and a noncommittal grunt, hoping she would take the hint. But no. She proceeded to launch into a detailed account of her popcorn-procuring struggles, complete with dramatic reenactments of the cashier’s incompetence.