Confessions of a Serial Plant Killer (Almost)

My journey into plant parenthood began, like many others, with the best of intentions. I envisioned a verdant oasis teeming with life, a testament to my nurturing spirit. Turns out, keeping a houseplant alive is slightly more complicated than remembering to water it once a week (who knew?). My first victim, a peace lily aptly named Hope, met its demise after a tragic overwatering incident. Hope was quickly followed by a string of succulents (apparently, even those “impossible-to-kill” plants have their limits) and a fern that shriveled faster than my dreams of becoming a green thumb goddess.

But I persevered. And slowly, through trial, error, and a healthy dose of internet research, I began to understand the unspoken rules of plant parenthood. These aren’t your average watering schedules or sunlight requirements, mind you. These are the hilarious, sometimes heartbreaking, always relatable truths that only fellow plant parents truly understand.

Rule #1: Decoding Your Plant‘s Watering Needs

Ah, the age-old advice to “water when dry” is about as clear as mud. What does “dry” even mean? Dry to the touch? Bone dry? Two inches down? Asking for a friend (it’s me, I’m the friend).

Turns out, deciphering the hydration needs of your plant children is a delicate dance of finger-in-the-soil tests, careful observation, and a healthy dose of intuition. You’ll learn to recognize the subtle droop of thirst, the telltale crinkle of a parched leaf. You’ll become fluent in the language of drainage holes and humidity levels. And just when you think you’ve cracked the code, your finicky fiddle leaf fig will throw you a curveball, demanding to be watered only on Tuesdays during a full moon.

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