Why I’m Convinced My Houseplant is Secretly Judging Me
The Side-Eye Was Real
I swear it started with a side-eye. Okay, maybe not a literal side-eye, because, you know, plants don’t have eyes. But as I was shoveling takeout containers into the trash, desperately trying to hide the evidence of my fourth consecutive night of ordering in, I felt it. A presence. A silent judgment radiating from the corner of my living room.
It was Beatrice, my prized fiddle-leaf fig. Now, Beatrice is a drama queen. She requires more attention than a toddler hopped up on sugar and throws a tantrum (read: wilts dramatically) if I forget to water her on schedule. But this was different. This felt personal.
Look, I’m not saying I’m paranoid. But the more I thought about it, the more I realized that Beatrice’s judgment wasn’t a one-time thing. It had become a regular occurrence. Here’s a sampling of my alleged offenses and Beatrice’s presumed reactions:
- Me, attempting (and failing) a complicated yoga pose: “Amateur.”
- Me, having a very animated, one-sided phone conversation with my internet provider: “Get your life together.”
- Me, burning dinner… again: “Seriously?” *audible sigh*
I know, I know. It sounds ridiculous. But tell me you haven’t felt a flicker of guilt under the watchful gaze of your pothos after a particularly questionable decision.
The Great Plant-Off: Can I Win Over My Judgemental Houseplant?
This silent judgment, however, has sparked a strange sort of…competition? I’ve become determined to prove to Beatrice (or, let’s be honest, myself) that I’m not a complete mess. I’ve started taking daily walks (around the living room, but still). I even managed to keep a succulent alive for more than three weeks!