The Day My Plant Judged My Life Choices
We’ve all been there. You know, that moment you catch your reflection in the microwave at 2 am, desperately scavenging for leftover pizza, and think, “How did I get here?” Well, for me, that moment of existential crisis wasn’t brought on by a late-night cheese craving, but by a houseplant. A very passive-aggressive, leafy houseplant named Phil.
Rescuing Phil the Unassuming Philodendron
Phil wasn’t always this way. I adopted him (yes, “him,” don’t judge) from a clearance shelf at the grocery store. He was a sad, droopy little philodendron, practically begging me to rescue him from a life of fluorescent lighting and grocery cart neglect.
Phil’s Slow Decline (and Maybe Mine?)
Things started off great. Phil perked up, sprouted new leaves, and even seemed to enjoy our daily chats (don’t judge, talking to your plants is scientifically proven to help them grow…or something like that). But then, life happened. I got busy, deadlines loomed, and those daily chats turned into bi-weekly waterings, often accompanied by a hurried apology and a promise to do better.
Phil, however, was not impressed. His new growth slowed, his leaves started to droop, and he developed this uncanny ability to shed a leaf at the most inopportune times – like when I was on a date, trying to convince this amazing person that I was a responsible adult with a handle on life (spoiler alert: the strategically placed leaf on my shoulder did not help my case).
The Side-Eye That Changed Everything
Then came the day. The day I realized Phil wasn’t just passively wilting in the corner, he was actively judging me. I was sprawled on the couch, surrounded by takeout containers and empty wine glasses (hey, deadlines are stressful!), when I caught his eye. Or rather, the plant equivalent of an eye.