Is My Houseplant Judging Me? A Deep Dive into Plant-Based Side Eye
From Green Thumb to Paranoid Plant Parent
I’ve always considered myself relatively sane. I pay my taxes, haven’t accidentally set off the fire alarm (yet), and can confidently tell a Phillips head from a flathead screwdriver. But lately, thanks to Bartholomew, I’m questioning my sanity.
Now, before you picture a judgmental roommate with a handlebar mustache, let me clarify: Bartholomew is my prized monstera plant. He boasts large, vibrant green leaves, and until recently, I considered him the epitome of chill. But now? Now, I swear he shoots me dirty looks.
But then came the incident with the watering can. I was rushing, late for a Zoom meeting (aren’t we all?), and haphazardly doused Bartholomew with water, spilling some on the floor. As I scrambled for a towel, I swear I heard a heavy sigh. Looking up, I found Bartholomew’s largest leaf tilted downwards, pointedly towards the spilled water. It was the most passive-aggressive plant behavior I’d ever witnessed.
The Great Takeout Container Showdown
Since then, the evidence has been mounting. Bartholomew wilts dramatically whenever I indulge in a late-night snack (judging my diet, are we?). He seems particularly unimpressed by my choice of reading material (apparently, self-help books aren’t his cup of tea?). And don’t even get me started on his reaction to my attempts at singing along to karaoke night.