Okay, hear me out. I know it sounds crazy, but I have a theory, and it involves Bartholomew, my prize-winning (not really) ZZ plant. Bartholomew and I, we go way back. He’s seen it all: the good, the bad, and the downright questionable decisions a twenty-something can make. And lately, I swear, he’s been judging me.
The Case of the Droopy Leaves
It all started with a particularly rough week. My dating life was a wasteland (Tinder is a cruel mistress, let me tell you), my boss was breathing down my neck, and I may or may not have eaten ice cream for dinner three nights in a row. (Don’t judge me, we’ve all been there!) Anyway, I noticed Bartholomew‘s leaves looking a little…droopy. Now, I’m not a plant whisperer or anything, but I know a thirsty plant when I see one. So, I did what any rational person would do: I panicked.
“Bartholomew,” I cried, dramatically throwing myself on the floor (okay, maybe not dramatically, but I was definitely concerned!), “What have I done?!” It was then I realized he hadn’t been watered in… well, let’s just say it was a while. As I diligently watered him (and whispered apologies), it hit me: was this his way of expressing his disappointment? Was he silently judging my inability to keep a tiny living thing alive, let alone my own life?
It didn’t stop there. Every time I brought home another questionable takeout container (what? I’m a growing girl!), I’d catch Bartholomew’s leaves seemingly turned in my direction. Was that a rustle of disapproval I heard when I opted for Netflix over a workout? And don’t even get me started on the incident with the online shopping spree and the subsequent credit card bill. Let’s just say, Bartholomew and I had a very long, silent conversation that day, mostly involving me avoiding eye contact with a potted plant.
The Unexpected Benefits of a Judgmental Plant
Look, I know it sounds ridiculous. He’s a plant, for crying out loud! But there’s something about those subtle (or maybe not-so-subtle) cues that makes me pause and think. Maybe I should put down the phone and go for a run. Maybe I should stop procrastinating on that project. Maybe I should just cook a decent meal for once.