Posted in Personal Essay

Why I’m Convinced My Houseplant is Secretly Judging Me

Author user Estimated read time 3 min read





The Side-Eye is Real: Signs Your Plant is Judging You

Okay, hear me out. I know it sounds crazy, but I’m starting to think my houseplant is judging me. It all started innocently enough. I brought home a cute little ZZ plant, excited to welcome some greenery into my apartment. “Low maintenance,” they said. “Practically thrives on neglect,” they said.

Famous last words.

Ferdinand, started off strong. Lush, green, full of life. But then, slowly, subtly, things started to change. It began with what I can only describe as “the side-eye.” I’d be sprawled on the couch, binge-watching reality TV in my pajamas, and catch Ferdinand giving me this look. You know the one – a mix of disappointment and weary resignation. It was all I could do to resist grabbing my phone and whispering, “Is it me? Am I the drama?”

The Drama of the Dramatic Wilt: My Plant‘s Passive-Aggressive Phase

The side-eye quickly escalated to full-blown passive-aggressive behavior. One particularly stressful week (deadlines, dating app disasters, you name it), I completely forgot to water Ferdinand. I mean, COMPLETELY. It wasn’t until I tripped over one of his dramatically drooping leaves that I remembered he existed.

Guilt washed over me. I rushed to the sink, filled my watering can, and practically drowned the poor thing in apologies. But as I watered him, I swear I heard a heavy sigh. Okay, maybe it was the radiator, but still. The way those leaves perked up right before my eyes? Pure theatrics.

Related