Why I’m Convinced My Houseplant is Secretly Judging Me




Is My Houseplant Judging Me? The Hilarious Truth About Plant Parenthood

We all have them. Those little quirks that make us human. Leaving the dishes “to soak” (translation: fester) for a day (or three). Wearing the same comfy pants three days in a row. Singing terribly off-key when we think no one is listening. But what if, just maybe, someone – or something – *is* listening?

The Side-Eye is Real: My Plant‘s Passive-Aggressive Tactics

It started subtly. I’d be sprawled on the couch, shamelessly binging bad reality TV in my tattered “work-from-home uniform”, when I’d catch a glimpse of something out of the corner of my eye. Was that… judgment? From Gerald, my supposedly innocent peace lily?

plant*. But the way his leaves seemed to subtly shift, angling away from the spectacle of me demolishing a bag of chips… it felt pointed. Like he was silently communicating, “Really, Brenda? Again with the chips? Haven’t you heard of kale smoothies?”

The Wilting Guilt Trip: Is My Peace Lily Passive-Aggressive?

Then came the wilting. Oh, the dramatic wilting. One minute, Gerald is standing tall and proud, the picture of plant-based confidence. The next, he’s practically doing a dramatic reenactment of the dying swan scene from Swan Lake. All limp leaves and drooping stems.

Naturally, I panic. Had I forgotten to water him? Was he getting enough light? I rush to his side, checking the soil moisture, repositioning him closer to the window, murmuring apologies like he was a neglected child. And what does Gerald do? He perks right up. Just like that. No hard feelings, apparently.

But the next time I leave a dirty coffee mug on the counter for a few (okay, fine, five) days? You guessed it. The wilting drama returns.