Why I’m Convinced My Houseplant is Secretly Judging Me
The Side-Eye from a Ficus
Let’s be honest, we’ve all been there. You know, that moment when you catch your houseplant seemingly staring at you with an air of quiet disapproval. Okay, maybe “staring” is a strong word, considering most houseplants lack eyes. But trust me, the judgment is real.
It all started with Horace, my majestic (and I do mean majestic, he’s pushing three feet tall!) Ficus. I’d like to think we have a good relationship. I water him regularly (or at least I try to), I dust his leaves, I even serenade him with 90s pop music while I cook. But lately, something has changed. There’s a certain…energy. A subtle shift in the air whenever I approach, watering can in hand. It’s as if Horace is saying, “You again? Seriously? Did you really just forget to water me for a week?”
One minute she’s standing tall, her white blooms reaching for the sky like elegant trumpets. The next minute, as soon as I dare to enter the room, BAM! It’s like someone hit the “instant sadness” button. Leaves drooping, stems slumping, the whole shebang. And of course, I rush over, filled with guilt and panic, convinced I’ve somehow committed a botanical crime. I check the soil, I mist her leaves, I whisper apologies and promises of a brighter, more hydrated future. But deep down, I know. Penelope knows I know. She’s judging my forgetfulness, my inability to maintain a consistent watering schedule. And honestly? I don’t blame her.
The Silent Shade Thrown by the Snake Plant
And then there’s Steve. Steve the Snake Plant. Now, Steve is a different story altogether. He’s the quiet one, the stoic observer of my daily chaos. I can’t quite explain it, but I’m pretty sure he judges me for entirely different reasons.
Maybe it’s the way he seems to silently disapprove of my taste in throw pillows. Or perhaps it’s the judgmental aura he emits whenever I indulge in a particularly cheesy reality TV show marathon. Whatever it is, I feel his gaze upon me, unwavering and full of silent commentary.