Confessions of a Former Plant Killer

Let’s be honest, my thumbs have never been particularly green. In fact, they were more like cursed wands that wilted anything within a five-foot radius. I’d walk into a plant store, brimming with hope and good intentions, only to return home with yet another leafy victim destined for a slow and tragic demise. “They just needed more water,” I’d tell myself, conveniently forgetting the daily deluge that had turned the poor thing into a soggy mess.

But then something changed. Maybe it was the pandemic, maybe it was hitting my late twenties, or maybe (just maybe) it was the allure of a particularly charming Monstera Deliciosa at the local nursery. Whatever it was, I decided to give plant parenthood another shot. And let me tell you, it’s been a wild, hilarious, and surprisingly fulfilling ride.

The Awkward First Dates (and How to Not Kill Your Plants)

Like any new relationship, the initial phase of plant parenthood is all about getting to know each other. This involves a lot of Googling (“Why is my ZZ plant drooping?”), panicked phone calls to my mother (a seasoned plant whisperer), and, dare I say, some awkward first dates.

You see, each plant has its own unique personality and preferences. My peace lily, for instance, is a bit of a drama queen, dramatically fainting at the slightest hint of thirst. My snake plant, on the other hand, is the strong, silent type, perfectly content with minimal attention. (Seriously, I think I’ve watered it twice this year, and it’s thriving. It’s the low-maintenance roommate I always wanted.)

The key, I’ve learned, is to listen to your plants. Observe their leaves, their soil moisture, their overall vibe. And when in doubt, consult the internet or a trusted plant guru. Trust me, it’s better to be safe than sorry (RIP, my beloved spider plant).

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