The Side-Eye Is Real: My Plant‘s Passive Aggression
Have you ever looked at someone and just known they were judging you? That’s how I feel every time I walk past Bartholomew, my supposedly low-maintenance snake plant.
It all started innocently. I brought Bartholomew home, a vibrant green beacon of hope for my black thumb. We were going to thrive together! I imagined us becoming the envy of all my plant-killing friends.
But lately, things have changed. It started subtly. A drooping leaf here, a suspiciously timed wilt there. At first, I blamed myself. Am I overwatering? Underwatering? Is it the humidity?
The Case of the Missing Sunlight: My Plant’s Dramatic Side
My suspicions were confirmed a few weeks later. I was rearranging my furniture (as one does on a Tuesday afternoon), and I decided to move Bartholomew closer to the window. “More sunlight,” I reasoned, completely unaware of the botanical drama about to unfold.
The next morning, I woke up to find Bartholomew doing the plant equivalent of a dramatic swoon. He was practically horizontal, leaves sprawled out like he had fainted. After some frantic Googling, I realized my mistake. Bartholomew, it turns out, despises direct sunlight. He prefers his sun filtered, like the diva he is.
As I carefully moved him back to his original spot, I could practically hear him sigh, “Honestly, the things I put up with.”
The Great Watering Debacle: My Plant’s Thirst for Drama
If there’s one thing Bartholomew takes more seriously than his sun exposure, it’s his hydration schedule. This plant has opinions about water, let me tell you.
One particularly chaotic Monday morning, I was already running late for work. In my haste, I completely forgot to give Bartholomew his weekly drink. When I remembered later that day, I was horrified. I raced home, picturing a shriveled, brown husk of a plant.
But Bartholomew, ever the drama king, had other plans. Not only was he not dead, but he also seemed… smug? His leaves were perky, almost mockingly so. It was as if he was saying, “See, I don’t need you. I can thrive on neglect and disappointment.”