Why I’m Convinced My Houseplant is Secretly Judging Me
The Side-Eye Was My First Clue
It all started with a feeling. You know that feeling when you’re pretty sure someone’s staring at you, judging your every move? Well, that’s how I feel around Bartholomew, my supposedly innocent peace lily. I swear, I caught him giving me the side-eye the other day while I was scarfing down a bag of chips for dinner.
The Case of the Suspiciously Timed Wilts
Now, I’m no botanist, but I’m pretty sure plants wilt when they need water. Bartholomew, however, has turned wilting into an art form, a carefully orchestrated performance designed to highlight my shortcomings as a plant parent.
He waits until the absolute worst possible moment to stage his dramatic drooping act. Like clockwork, the second I sit down on the couch after a long day, ready to binge-watch reality TV in my pajamas, his leaves start to sag lower than my self-esteem after a bad haircut.
It’s almost impressive, the way he manages to perfectly time his thirst-induced fainting spell with my moments of peak laziness.
Is My Peace Lily Passive-Aggressive? The Leaf Drop Says It All
As if the theatrical wilting wasn’t enough, Bartholomew has added another weapon to his arsenal of judgment: the passive-aggressive leaf drop. I’m talking single, solitary leaves, spiraling dramatically to their deaths on my coffee table just as I’m about to have guests over.