The Time I Became a Line-Standing Vigilante

It all started with a rogue elbow. There I was, minding my own business, patiently waiting in line for the world’s most hyped cronut, when it happened. A woman, seemingly oblivious to the queue snaking around the block, sidled up to the counter and attempted to place her order. A collective gasp went through the crowd. My blood pressure skyrocketed. This was a clear violation of the sacred social contract of line-standing, and I, for one, would not stand for it (pun intended).

Okay, I didn’t actually do anything dramatic like stage a citizen’s arrest. But I did shoot her a withering glare (you know, the one with the subtly raised eyebrow and pursed lips). And you know what? It worked! She shrunk back, suddenly aware of her transgression, and slunk to the back of the line. It was my first taste of victory as a self-proclaimed guardian of line-standing etiquette, and, frankly, it was intoxicating.

Rule #1: Respect the Line-Standing Bubble

We’ve all been there. You’re sandwiched between strangers, trying to maintain a comfortable personal space while simultaneously inching forward with the herd. This, my friends, is the Line-Standing Bubble. It’s an invisible force field that dictates the acceptable proximity to your fellow queuers. It expands and contracts depending on the situation (crowded concert vs. post office queue), but it must always be respected.

Violating the bubble is a serious offense. It’s the difference between accidentally brushing someone’s arm and feeling their breath on your neck. It’s the person who insists on narrating their entire life story to the unfortunate soul trapped behind them. Respect the bubble, people. It’s not that hard.

Rule #2: Mastering the Art of the Placeholder

Ah, the Placeholder. A true testament to human ingenuity and the desperate need for caffeine/bathroom breaks/a moment of blessed silence away from the line. This sacred object (usually a jacket, bag, or, in extreme cases, a very trusting friend) signifies that a spot is temporarily vacant but spoken for. To disregard the Placeholder is tantamount to declaring war.

However, there’s an art to using it effectively. Leaving a Placeholder for longer than 10 minutes is pushing it. And don’t even think about using one to hold spots for your entire extended family who just “happened” to be running late. Remember, with great power (to temporarily abandon your place in line) comes great responsibility.

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