Is My Houseplant Judging My Life Choices? (The Answer May Surprise You)

Ever feel like your houseplant is silently judging your every move? You’re not alone! This hilarious take on plant parenting will have you laughing out loud.

We’ve all been there. You’re sprawled on the couch, three episodes deep into a reality TV marathon, when you catch a glimpse of something out of the corner of your eye. It’s Herbert, your trusty houseplant, and he’s looking at you with an expression that can only be described as…disappointed.

The Time Herbert Witnessed a Meltdown (and It Wasn’t Pretty)

It all started innocently enough. I was having a “treat yourself” kind of day, which, in my world, translates to ordering takeout and indulging in a DIY face mask. I’m talking the kind of face mask that makes you look like a swamp creature crossed with a Jackson Pollock painting.

Enter: unfortunate timing. The doorbell rings just as I’m applying the gloopy green concoction. It’s the delivery driver, and before I can even process what’s happening, I’ve answered the door in all my Shrek-like glory.

Needless to say, the delivery driver was…taken aback. I, on the other hand, wanted to disappear into the floral pattern of my bathrobe. It was in that moment of utter mortification that I felt Herbert’s judgment piercing through me. Okay, maybe it was just the afternoon sun filtering through his leaves, but still. The shame was real.

The Case of the Wilting Basil and the Crumbling Relationship

Then there was the time my basil plant, Bartholomew (don’t judge my naming conventions), decided to stage a dramatic death scene. It was right around the same time my relationship was going through a rough patch.

I tried everything to save poor Bartholomew. I sang to him, I gave him extra sunshine, I even resorted to whispering positive affirmations (“You are strong, Bartholomew! You are resilient!”). Nothing worked.

My friends, ever the supportive bunch, tried to reassure me. “It’s just a plant,” they’d say. “It doesn’t mean anything.” But deep down, I couldn’t shake the feeling that Bartholomew’s demise was a metaphor for my own life spiraling out of control.

And Herbert? He witnessed it all. He saw the tearful phone calls, the endless tubs of ice cream, the questionable outfit choices. He was there through every up and down (mostly downs, let’s be honest) of my romantic rollercoaster. And I swear, his leaves seemed to droop a little lower with each passing heartbreak.

Plant Parent Guilt: A Real Phenomenon?

Maybe it’s all in my head (okay, it probably is), but I can’t help but feel like my houseplant is constantly evaluating my life choices. And you know what? I’ve come to embrace it.

After all, Herbert provides me with something much more valuable than oxygen and a pop of greenery in my living room. He offers me a healthy dose of perspective. Because let’s be real, if the worst thing happening in my life is that my houseplant might be judging my questionable dance moves, I’m doing alright.

Do Your Plants Judge You Too?

So, tell me, dear reader, do you ever feel like your houseplants are silently judging you? Share your stories in the comments below!