The Side-Eye Started on Week Two: My Plant Parent Paranoia Begins
It all started innocently enough. I, like many others during the pandemic, decided to become a plant parent, envisioning a serene home filled with lush greenery. Oh, how wrong I was! My journey into the world of houseplants began not with serenity, but with suspicion—specifically, the suspicion that my new ZZ plant, affectionately named Zephyr, was judging me.
It began subtly. I’d be binging reality TV on the couch (don’t judge me, Zephyr!), and I’d swear I saw movement in the corner of my eye. Turning my head, I’d find Zephyr, leaves angled just so, as if he’d been staring at me in silent disapproval. “It’s just the wind,” I’d tell myself, but a seed of doubt had been planted.
As the weeks went by, Zephyr’s alleged judgment became bolder. One morning, after a late night of “working” (read: scrolling through social media), I stumbled into the kitchen to find Zephyr’s leaves dramatically drooping. He looked like a Victorian child who’d just fainted from my utter disarray—unwashed dishes piled beside the sink, takeout containers scattered on the counter.
“Okay, okay, I get it!” I muttered, feeling an absurd wave of guilt. “I’ll clean up.” And as if by magic, after an hour of tidying and a hearty dose of plant food, Zephyr perked right up. Coincidence? I think not.
Water You Talking About? The Time I Almost Drowned My Green Accuser
Now, I’ll admit, I’m not the most attentive plant parent. I operate on the “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it” principle, which doesn’t quite fly in the plant world. Zephyr, ever the drama queen, expressed his displeasure at my neglect by almost drowning himself.
One morning, I discovered Zephyr sitting in a pool of his own murky water. Apparently, I’d overcompensated for my previous neglect, transforming his pot into a miniature swamp.
“Seriously?” I exclaimed, scooping him out and frantically soaking up the excess water. “You couldn’t have just, you know, dropped a leaf or something?”
Zephyr, of course, remained silent, but I could practically hear the judgment radiating from his glossy leaves.