The Side-Eye Heard ‘Round the Living Room
It all started innocently enough. I brought home a cute little snake plant from the grocery store, charmed by its architectural leaves and the promise of low-maintenance companionship. I named him Stanley, nestled him in a sunny spot, and went about my life, blissfully unaware of the silent scrutiny I was now under.
But then, it happened. I was sprawled on the couch in my oldest sweats, rewatching reruns of a sitcom I’m pretty sure even the original audience forgot existed, when I caught Stanley‘s gaze. Okay, “gaze” might be a strong word for a being that literally doesn’t have eyes, but I swear, his entire being seemed to be radiating disapproval. Like he was thinking, “Seriously, Linda? Again with this show? Shouldn’t you be watering me or something?”
- The Instant Ramen Incident: I was attempting (and failing) to gracefully slurp down a bowl of instant noodles when I glanced up to find Stanley looking particularly stiff. His rigid posture seemed to scream, “Nutritional value? Never heard of her.”
- The Failed Workout Attempt: Look, sometimes the siren song of the couch is just too strong, okay? I was mid-internal debate about whether to actually do my workout video when I caught Stanley seemingly mocking my lack of willpower from the corner. His verdant vibrancy felt like a personal attack.
- The Great Cleaning Debacle of 2023: Don’t judge me, but sometimes the dishes pile up. I finally tackled the mountain of dirty dishes, only to turn around and find Stanley positively glowing. Was it the satisfaction of a clean kitchen, or the smugness of knowing he never lets his chores pile up? The jury’s still out.
I know, I know, I’m probably projecting. Stanley is just a plant, existing in his plant-y way. But there’s something about the silent, watchful presence of houseplants that makes me feel like they’re privy to all my secrets… and judging me accordingly.
Maybe it’s the fact that they thrive on routine and care, two things I haven’t quite mastered yet. Maybe they’re plant-world spies sent to observe the habits of humans. Or maybe I’m just losing it.
Can Houseplants Really Judge? Share Your Thoughts!