Why I’m Convinced My Houseplant is Secretly Judging Me

Why I’m Convinced My Houseplant is Secretly Judging Me

The Side-Eye from a Fiddle-Leaf Fig

The other day, I was sprawled out on the couch, halfway through a bag of chips, binge-watching reality TV in my oldest, rattiest pajamas. You know, just living my best life. As I reached for another chip, I caught my reflection in the window…and the distinct impression that something was judging me. I turned, and there, in all its leafy glory, stood my fiddle-leaf fig, Frederick.

plant! It doesn’t have thoughts or feelings, let alone the capacity for judgment.” And normally, I’d agree with you. But there’s just something about the way Frederick holds his leaves, the subtle droop when I forget to water him (which, okay, happens more than I’d like to admit), that screams, “You could be doing better.”

The Silent Treatment From My Houseplant

It all started subtly. I’d forget to water him, he’d dramatically wilt, I’d drown him in apologies (and water), and he’d perk back up. A classic cycle of plant parent guilt. But then came the silent treatment. I’m talking weeks of absolutely no new growth. I even bought a fancy plant app (yes, they exist) and followed its instructions to a T. Still nothing.

Meanwhile, my roommate’s cactus, which she literally forgot existed for three months, was thriving. Thriving! It even sprouted a new arm, which we all know is basically a cactus’s way of bragging.

I finally confronted Frederick. “Okay, fine, I get it,” I said, dramatically throwing my hands up. “You hate me. You think I’m a terrible plant parent. Just tell me what I’m doing wrong!”