The Side-Eye Heard ‘Round the Living Room
It all started with a casual Tuesday, you know, the kind where you’re rocking sweatpants and haven’t showered in a while? Yeah, that kind of Tuesday. I’m pretty sure I was attempting to make toast, which, let’s be honest, is already pushing my culinary limits. Anyway, as I’m scraping burnt crumbs from the toaster (don’t judge!), I catch a glimpse of Ferdinand the Fern in the corner.
Now, Ferdinand is usually a pretty chill dude, content to soak up the sunbeams and occasionally sway dramatically when the ceiling fan is on high. But this time, something was different. He seemed…disapproving. Like he was silently judging my life choices, one burnt piece of toast at a time.
However, Ferdinand doesn’t seem to care about my busy schedule. He thrives on a strict regimen of H2O, and any deviation is met with a symphony of passive-aggressive drooping. Seriously, this plant knows how to guilt trip with the best of them. One minute he’s standing tall, the next he’s practically performing a dramatic death scene worthy of a soap opera.
“Oh, woe is me,” his wilting leaves seem to whisper. “Left to wither away in this dusty corner. I bet Brenda from yoga class waters her plants on time.”
Exhibit B: The Great Repotting Disaster of 2023
We all know the drill. Your beloved houseplant starts sending out roots like it’s auditioning for a starring role in “Little Shop of Horrors.” It’s time for a repotting, my friend. Now, I’m not afraid of a little dirt under the fingernails. In fact, I consider myself somewhat of a repotting pro (emphasis on “somewhat”).
But Ferdinand, oh Ferdinand, he had other plans. The moment I attempted to extract him from his cramped quarters, it was like trying to wrangle a leafy octopus. Roots clung to the pot with the tenacity of a toddler refusing naptime. And then, as I struggled to maneuver him into his new, spacious abode, he dropped a leaf. Right at my feet.
Coincidence? I think not. It was a clear message, delivered with the subtlety of a brick through a window: “I preferred my old pot. This one clashes with my vibe.”