The Time I Tried to Be a Morning Person (and Failed Spectacularly)



The 5 AM Pact (and My Immediate Regret)

My alarm clock blared a cheerful tune at 5:00 AM. Cheerful, my foot. It sounded like a siren announcing the apocalypse to my sleep-fogged brain. Still, I had made a pact with myself, inspired by countless articles promising the productivity and zen-like peace that came with being a morning person.

I imagined myself, bathed in the golden glow of sunrise, sipping green smoothies while jotting down groundbreaking ideas in my gratitude journal. “This is it,” I mumbled, hitting snooze for the third time. “Operation: Morning Person is a go.” Oh, the naive optimism of those early days.

Like Sunrise Faceplant

My first hurdle was exercise. All the articles swore by it. Something about “jumpstarting your metabolism” and “greeting the day with energy.” So, I unrolled my yoga mat, the rubbery smell hitting me with the subtlety of a brick.

My downward dog looked more like a droopy-eared puppy, and my attempts at sun salutations resulted in me almost taking out the ficus plant. By the time I finished (if you could call it that), I felt less like a yogi and more like I’d run a marathon… through quicksand… in the dark.

The Green Smoothie Debacle

Next up, the infamous green smoothie. I crammed kale, spinach, and a suspicious-looking banana into the blender. It whirred to life, sounding alarmingly like a garbage disposal struggling with a spoon. The resulting concoction was…vibrant.

I choked it down, convincing myself that the bitterness was just my taste buds waking up. It wasn’t. It was the taste of my dreams of becoming a morning person dying a slow, leafy death.