Disclaimer: This post is written for humorous purposes and does not reflect actual scientific evidence (or the author’s sanity… probably).

We’ve all been there. You’re sprawled on the couch in your pajamas, three days past due for a shower, mainlining potato chips, when you suddenly lock eyes with your houseplant. You know, the one you swore you’d water regularly and re-pot “soon”? Yeah, that one. The one whose leaves seem to be permanently fixed in a judgmental droop.

The Time My Fiddle Leaf Fig Played Favorites

My descent into plant-related paranoia began with Ferdinand, my majestic fiddle leaf fig. Now, Ferdinand and I, we had a connection. Or at least, I thought we did. Until my (now ex) boyfriend at the time, let’s call him Chad, over-watered Ferdinand, nearly sending him to the great greenhouse in the sky.

Did Ferdinand wilt dramatically in Chad’s presence? Did his leaves curl in silent protest? No! He thrived! Meanwhile, I couldn’t get a new leaf to unfurl if I sang to him while doing interpretive dances with fertilizer. That’s when the suspicion crept in – was Ferdinand… judging me? And worse, did he approve of Chad more?

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