Is My Houseplant Secretly Judging Me? (The Evidence is Strong)
The Side-Eye Heard ‘Round the Living Room
The other day, I was shamelessly devouring a bag of chips—okay, fine, it was my third that week—when I caught my peace lily, Beatrice, giving me this look. You know the one: a subtle tilt of the leaves, a slight droop, as if to say, “Seriously, Sharon? Again?”
Now, I consider myself a rational person. I understand that plants don’t possess the cognitive capacity for judgment (at least, that’s what “they” want us to believe). But the evidence has been piling up, and frankly, Beatrice‘s passive-aggressive drooping is just the tip of the leafy iceberg.
There’s a definite correlation between my life choices and Beatrice‘s overall well-being. The week I forgot to water her (twice!), she practically staged a dramatic fainting scene, leaves drooping lower than my spirits after a bad Tinder date. Coincidence? I think not.
But here’s the kicker: the moment I finally remembered to give her a good soak, she perked right back up. And not just any perking up—it was like she was showing off, leaves glistening with newfound vigor, as if to say, “See, Sharon? This is how you care for a living organism.”
Exhibit B: The Great Dust Debacle of 2023
We all have our weaknesses, and mine, dear readers, is dusting. I’m not proud of it, but let’s just say my feather duster and I haven’t been on speaking terms for a while. Beatrice, of course, noticed. And did she let me have it!
One morning, I awoke to find her normally vibrant leaves covered in a thick layer of dust. Now, I live alone. I own a very lazy cat who wouldn’t dream of exerting that kind of effort. The only logical explanation? Beatrice orchestrated the whole thing. A silent, leafy protest against my subpar housekeeping skills.