Tag: inner monologue

  • The Day My Inner Voice Decided to Go Full British

    The Day My Inner Voice Decided to Go Full British




    The Day My Inner Voice Decided to Go Full British

    The Queen’s English Takes Over My Thoughts

    You know that little voice in your head? The one that narrates your life, offers unsolicited advice, and occasionally berates you for that last slice of pizza? Mine has always been a bit of a character. A touch sarcastic, prone to dramatics, but generally relatable. Until one Tuesday morning, when I woke up and it was speaking with a posh British accent.

    I was reaching for my trusty, old alarm clock (the digital one kept short-circuiting my dreams) when I heard it. Clear as day, a voice that sounded suspiciously like Benedict Cumberbatch after a strong cuppa announced, “Right then, time to rise and shine, you wouldn’t want to be late for the day, would you?”

    I froze. Had I accidentally downloaded a British language pack in my sleep? Was this some bizarre side effect of binge-watching “The Crown”? I cautiously responded, “Excuse me, who said that?”

    “Why, darling, it’s me! Your inner monologue, just with a spot of an upgrade,” the voice chirped back.

  • The Unspoken Rules of Grocery Store Etiquette (As Told By My Inner Monologue)

    The Unspoken Rules of Grocery Store Etiquette (As Told By My Inner Monologue)

    The Time I Became *That* Person in the Grocery Store

    We’ve all been there. You’re at the grocery store, minding your own business, when suddenly you find yourself in a stand-off with a fellow shopper in the dairy aisle. You both need the last carton of almond milk (because, priorities). You make eye contact. They reach for it. You panic and grab it first, muttering a weak “sorry” as you slink away, feeling the judgment radiating from their very pores.

    That’s right, friends. I became *that* person. The one who momentarily forgot the sacred unspoken rules of grocery store etiquette. And let me tell you, the inner shame spiral was real. So, to save you from a similar fate, I’ve compiled a handy guide to navigating the treacherous terrain of supermarket society, as narrated by the ever-judgmental voice inside my head:

    The Cart Conundrum: A Guide to Grocery Store Navigation

    Ah, the shopping cart. A vessel of grocery-getting glory… or a weapon of mass aisle obstruction, depending on your wielder. Here’s the deal:

    • The Abandoned Cart: Look, I get it. Sometimes you forget something in aisle 3 and have to make a mad dash. But please, for the love of all that is holy, don’t just abandon your cart in the middle of the aisle like a forgotten shopping list. “Do they not realize they’re creating a metal obstacle course for the rest of us?,” my inner voice screams.
    • The Cart Wrangler: We all have that one friend who treats the grocery store like the Indy 500. But here’s a newsflash: your cart is not a bumper car. “Seriously, slow your roll, Speed Racer. Nobody needs a bruised ankle from a runaway cart.”

    Surviving the Checkout Line: An Etiquette Guide

    The checkout line. A crucible where patience is tested and judgments are silently passed. Here’s how to survive:

    • The Express Lane Gambler: You know the type. They have way too many items for the express lane but convince themselves it’ll all work out. Spoiler alert: it never does. “Just admit you need to join the regular line like the rest of us, buddy.”
    • The Chatty Cathy: Listen, I’m all for a friendly chat. But when you’re holding up the entire line with a 10-minute conversation about your cat’s latest hairball incident, my inner monologue starts drafting strongly worded letters to the grocery store manager. “Wrap it up, Chatty Cathy, some of us have places to be (like our couch, with snacks)!”
    • The Bagging Blunderer: We all have our preferred bagging techniques. But please, for the sake of all that is good, don’t shove my eggs under a mountain of canned goods. “Those poor, innocent eggs never stood a chance.”

    Share Your Grocery Store Etiquette Tales

    These are just a few of the unspoken rules that govern the grocery store ecosystem. What unwritten laws of the supermarket do you live by? Share your thoughts in the comments below, and let’s navigate this crazy world of grocery shopping together (but, like, from a safe distance, with our carts under control).

  • The Unspoken Rules of Grocery Store Etiquette (As Told By My Inner Monologue)

    The Unspoken Rules of Grocery Store Etiquette (As Told By My Inner Monologue)




    The Unspoken Rules of Grocery Store Etiquette (As Told By My Inner Monologue)


    The Cart Conundrum: A Lesson in Aisle Awareness

    The other day, I found myself performing Olympic-level mental gymnastics in the middle of the produce aisle. Why? Because a fellow shopper had abandoned their cart smack-dab in the middle of the aisle, creating a Bermuda Triangle of grocery carts where dreams of fresh cilantro went to die.

    My inner monologue went something like this:

    • “Do I awkwardly maneuver around it?
    • Do I risk a passive-aggressive sigh loud enough to alert them to their cartly transgression?
    • Or do I just accept defeat, grab my cilantro from the less-desirable back row, and resign myself to a life of subpar guacamole? (The horror!)”

    We’ve all been there, right? Navigating the grocery store can feel like a social experiment in unspoken rules and passive-aggressive cart maneuvers. So, in the interest of public service (and my own sanity), I present to you a guide to the unspoken rules of grocery store etiquette – as dictated by the increasingly dramatic voice inside my head.

    Lane Dilemma: Decoding the Checkout Lane Tango

    Ah, the checkout lane. A place of both hope (freedom is so close!) and utter dread (did that guy seriously just cut the line?). Here’s a universal truth: the express lane is a mystical realm governed by its own set of laws, often defying logic and human decency.

    Inner Monologue: “Okay, 12 items or less… he looks like he has at least 15 things in that basket. Should I say something? Nah, I don’t want to be *that* person. But seriously, where did he even GET a cantaloupe this time of year? Is that even ALLOWED in the express lane?”

    Let’s be real, we’ve all pushed the limits of the express lane at some point. But let’s try to operate with a general sense of awareness, shall we?

    Sample Savvy: The Art of Enjoying Freebies Without Being *That* Person

    Listen, I love a good free sample as much as the next person. But there’s an art to partaking in these bite-sized delights without morphing into a ravenous monster who single-handedly depletes the mini-quiche supply.

    Inner Monologue: “Okay, one mini quiche is acceptable. Two is pushing it. But they’re just so darn delicious! Just act natural. Pretend you’re deeply engrossed in the nutritional label. Wait, is that… another person eyeing the quiche? ABORT MISSION! Act casual, move along.”

    Remember, folks, sample with grace, not greed. And for goodness sake, don’t even THINK about hovering around the poor employee like a vulture circling its prey.