We all know that feeling, right? That prickle on the back of your neck when you’re scarfing down leftover takeout at 2 AM, convinced your perfectly potted peace lily is whispering, “Seriously?” to the empty wine glass on the counter. Okay, maybe it’s just me. But hear me out, because I’ve compiled some pretty compelling evidence that my houseplant, Herbert (yes, he has a name, don’t judge!), is judging my life choices.
Exhibit A: The Great Chip Crumb Debacle of ’23
Picture this: It’s a Friday night, I’m home alone, rocking my oldest sweatpants and a questionable top knot. On the coffee table, a monument to my questionable decision-making: a family-sized bag of cheesy puffs, already half-gone. As I reach for another fistful, a stray crumb tumbles from my grasp and lands, with a soft *thump*, in Herbert‘s pot. I freeze.
Now, any rational person would simply pick up the crumb and continue their cheesy puff-fueled descent into blissful oblivion. But not me. Because in that moment, I swear Herbert‘s leaves drooped just a little lower. It was a subtle shift, but unmistakable, like a disappointed sigh translated into plant language.
Exhibit B: The Case of the Neglected Watering Can
We all have our strengths. Plant care, sadly, is not one of mine. I try, I really do. But life gets hectic, you know? Deadlines loom, social obligations beckon, and suddenly it’s been three weeks since I last watered Herbert. And how does he react? By transforming into the botanical equivalent of a sulking teenager.
Gone is the perky, vibrant foliage of his glory days. In its place: a symphony of drooping leaves and dramatic wilting. I swear I even saw a brown spot forming on one particularly offended leaf. The worst part? He knows I know. He’s doing it on purpose, I’m convinced.
Exhibit C: The Suspiciously Well-Timed Growth Spurts
Okay, I’ll admit, it’s not all doom and gloom in the realm of Herbert and his passive-aggressive plant judgments. There are moments, fleeting but glorious, when he seems almost…proud of me. Like the time I finally finished that freelance project I’d been procrastinating on for weeks. Or the morning after I actually cooked a healthy dinner (okay, it was just salad, but it counts!).
On these rare and wondrous occasions, Herbert rewards my efforts with a sudden burst of growth. A new leaf unfurls, reaching towards the sunlight like a tiny, green thumbs-up. Coincidence? I think not. Herbert, in his own silent, leafy way, is acknowledging my triumphs.
So, Is My Plant Judging Me, or Am I Just Crazy?
Perhaps I’m reading too much into things. Maybe Herbert’s drooping leaves are just a result of inconsistent watering, not a commentary on my questionable life choices. But there’s a part of me, the part that still believes in magic and the interconnectedness of all living things, that likes to think otherwise.
What do you think? Have you ever caught your houseplants throwing shade your way? Share your stories in the comments below, because misery loves company (and maybe a little plant-based therapy).